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subtlegrey) wrote2024-07-14 06:47 pm
subtlegrey) wrote2024-07-14 06:47 pm
Entry tags:
FFS now what
Rather than talk about my anxiety over the recent shooting at a presidential rally, I will talk about food.
My chronic illness(es) add a very depressing flavor into the mix as I can't exercise/be as physically active as I would like to be, work a full-time job, and take care of myself and my family / house. I like fishing and hiking. I want to weightlift and start jogging again. All that shit takes energy and time. When I need to sleep 10+hrs a day, I don't have as much time as I need for the rest of being alive. Often, I get by on 7-8hrs - for me, that's like an average person getting by on 5hrs? My new wakefulness medication has enabled this to work better than it otherwise would, for which I am grateful! Of late, I will have the time but not the energy, and then I get depressed because I have time, damnit, why can't I MOVE?
2 weeks ago, I started FODMAP for breakfast and snacks. Last week, I was FODMAP for all meals. That's been going well, already found some great recipes! There's one I'm eager to try tomorrow, too. All very positive. I wanted to start this before I start seeing the dietitian to get me more in the habit of tracking food, planning, grocery shopping, and navigating the basic decision points so once I do start working with them, I have some guardrails and training wheels in place.
My first appointment is about a week from now. The idea is they will guide me through the FDMAP and CSID minefield I've landed in and help me develop a sense of what will work for me as lifetime nutrition. Here's hoping!
Food is frustrating to me. I like food, I love to cook and really enjoy cooking for others, but I resent that I HAVE to eat. It's exasperating, confusing, feels very hopeless, and many foods I like are on the "no" list for me. Eating food is expensive and time-consuming, especially with dietary restrictions. I am not gifted with nutritious meal-planning, that takes time and effort that I'd rather be spending in my garage workshop.
When I was in my 20s and early 30s, I did not have emotional complications with food that I was aware of, or that were impactful to my life. Late 20s early 30s I successfully did the Whole30 twice; in 2009 I was on a very strict laryngeal reflux dietary protocol for 3 or 4 months and had no issues. Sometime in my 30s I started noticing more emotional eating (celebrate/reward/comfort), binge eating (stress), and shame around my body size. Things got even harder after gallbladder removal, and now I've had chronic diarrhea for years along with often conflicting food advice for assorted theoretical conditions. Last year, I was so discouraged I gave up and ate like crap. It feels like everything I like to eat is "BAD!" and all the "good" foods leave me even more hungry. Example: handful of almonds or an apple - I am more ravenous after eating either of these than if I'd just not eaten at all.
I have tried mindful eating techniques, which spike my anxiety and make me intensely uncomfortable - I am a very slow eater, so normally I will read or work on a to-do list or play a game while I eat. I do NOT like people watching me eat. Ever. It takes conscious effort for me to stay seated at my meal until I am finished; I get up, wander around, do things, start to clean up while still chewing. I'm working on this; trying to remember to tell myself it's ok to sit down, there is not a hurry, I can and should finish chewing my food before I leave the table.
I've met with nutritionists in the past twice and had one psychiatrist who was coaching me on improving my relationship with food (dude was WEIRD AF). Only once have I experienced intentional weight loss, which didn't "stick." None of the techniques or tools from past efforts have proven sustainable. I always end up being hungry.
Nearly everyone in my family on both sides is obese, probably morbidly obese since BMI is dumb. A maternal uncle lost a bunch of weight several years ago, and he said the way to lose weight was just to be hungry all the time. I really felt that! He later gained it all back and more.
2 weeks ago, I started FODMAP for breakfast and snacks. Last week, I was FODMAP for all meals. That's been going well, already found some great recipes! There's one I'm eager to try tomorrow, too. All very positive. I wanted to start this before I start seeing the dietitian to get me more in the habit of tracking food, planning, grocery shopping, and navigating the basic decision points so once I do start working with them, I have some guardrails and training wheels in place.
My first appointment is about a week from now. The idea is they will guide me through the FDMAP and CSID minefield I've landed in and help me develop a sense of what will work for me as lifetime nutrition. Here's hoping!
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